Deveras noturno

Não vejo aura,
Mas se tenho
Deve ser cor roxa violenta
Eu perdi a minha alma
o meu desempenho
Pena,
A morte chega lenta.

-R.C.

Eulogy

I have written, in the course of my life, more poems declaring my death than I can count- and I thought it would be a thousand other ways- but if there’s something for which I did not get ready, that is a eulogy for myself.  Funny right?  Last thing I would think of writing about. But here am I. In some way, I feel like Bras Cubas, from Machado de Assis’ novel, that wrote ‘to the worm who first gnawed on the cold flesh of my corpse, I dedicate with fond remembrance these Posthumous Memoirs’.

I died having a delirium. Can you believe it? Is there any more stupid way to leave? I don’t actually know. What I do know, though, is that I did not see it coming. I mean, as I told you, I always wondered about how I would die, and I kept fantasizing about that very last moment; would I die in my sleep? Would it be in an accident? What kind? Car, airplane, train? Would I be killed? Would I kill myself? I don’t know. I guess, after years desiring for a remarkable death, a final event to eternalize myself in history, the Universe made a fun prank: I’m doomed to be in this after life remembering of everything, except this last moment.

Don’t get me wrong, please. It’s not like I had a miserable life and wanted to be relieved from all the suffering in it- no, I had, such as pretty much everyone around here, a normal meaningless life. For sure, I had moments of sadness, but after, moments of happiness. I tried to change things, and they didn’t. Some others did. I had many lovers through the years and also many heartbreaks. I had the gift of art, but I never wrote something that I thought was worth showing to someone. I was a socialist that never saw equality, I lived an average life without knowing what to do. Now, I don’t know why those moments happened the way they did, whatever happened.

I remember that I was in my room, it was Saturday, and I started seeing things. Nothing very exciting, to be honest, but I’ll tell you anyhow. I saw a woman, beside my bed. She was holding a book or something similar, looking at my pillow like there was someone else there. Her lips moved, but didn’t reproduce any sound, and it seemed like she was trying to turn one of the last pages. I went there to help her with it, and, when I tried to reach her, boom. End. After that, I wonder what happened.

I mean, that doesn’t make any sense at all. First because I lived alone, and therefore I was all alone in the house. Second because I had really good audition, even though I was epileptic, I had to take medicine for anxiety, and some other disfunctions and therefore I would listen if there was sound. Third and last, because it had been years since I had illusions, and nothing changed in the last month, week or anything that could cause that. It was simply… weird. That’s why I ask again, why? Why in that moment, why that way?

Perhaps it was a punishment. After so many years playing with such tragic ideas, having pessimism as a personal philosophy, playing god in literature, I would die in the most stupid way. Maybe not. If I really push myself to think about it, there are worst ways to leave. I could have slipped in a banana or been runned over by a bunch of clown cars.

Maybe it was only a consequence. It’s not like I was very aware when making decisions- I was always going from bar to bar, having whiskey as my best friend; I used all drugs you can imagine for no specific reason- once, I took lsd to went to work, simply because I wanted to see the colors in the clothes we sold in a brighter way. Perhaps after putting so many substances in my body, it broke.

Anyhow, it’s still funny to me. Funny how I spent so much time thinking about how I would die, and how nothing that’s passing through my head helps me remember that god damn moment. [touches head with anger]. Ouch. Wait a moment… there is something missing there. Why does my head hurt? Shit! I know! I remember what happened! Ok, that just got dumber, but that happens.

So, I was in my room, and I saw that woman, and I reached her. When I did, there was some sort of light going into my room, and it flicked a couple times… the friction somehow made me have a convulsion, then I fell on the floor and my head hit the corner of my bed. Dammit, that’s so… random. I guess… If I had no specific reason to come to earth, there’s no reason for leaving it. There isn’t anyone out there to answer my question, nor comfort my soul. And that’s fine.

Caboclo

Outro dia pensei na morte,
mano, uns dois dias
Depois disso sai de casa por uns três dias
Quando voltei, não encontrei um Jeremias
Só o espelho e a Winchester 22.

Não houve duelo, não houveram tiros
Troca de olhares, muitos

Eu sou jovem demais pra morrer
E deixar tanta pergunta sem responder.

Karma

Não existe gente boa
Todos tem defeitos
Fazem crueldades

O destino não existe
E o acaso te coloca nas piores situações
Não tem o que fazer
Se não algo “ruim”

Se ele existe
E o karma sua consequência,
Todos morremos eventualmente
Sinal que algum momento
Fizemos algo digno de morte

O ser humano é um lixo.

-R.C.

Gratidão à obra

Tem dias que levantar da cama é só a primeira vitória
Enfiar algo na guela é por sobrevivência
Se depender de mim só como na última ceia
Pronto pra ir pra cruz

Há momentos que o sol é a desgraça
Por me lembrar que vivo
Que ando, sento
Não só existo

Até olhar no espelho é difícil
Olhar alguém odiado
Que não para de seguir e imitar

Minha única salvação
Acho que foi a poesia
Sem ela já tinha sido levado à muito.

-R.C.

Humanidades

Se há uma ocasião humana, é a morte
Ela independe de classe social,
Se tem azar ou sorte
Ou conhecimento cultural.

A morte não se importa com os vivos
Tanto faz quem ficou
Ela não dá mimos
E pra quem fica nunca facilitou

A morte não se importa com a vida
Se foi honrosa ou não
Mediocridade ou ascensão
Corta fio sendo de algodão ou seda

Ela não se importa com o morto
Se estava no banco do carro
Se se sujava de barro
Ou de alguém tirando sarro…

A morte só se importa com a própria morte
Portanto humana e egoísta.

-R.C.

​Eventualmente fantasmas eu vejo

Por essas ruas é sempre a mesma coisa
Não dá pra dizer que variam cores
Se somente o que há
É uma em vários tons.

Não dá pra dizer que há só um fantasma
Quando se encontra um em cada esquina
E se mistura e engana todos brancos
Tantos tons e tantos dons

Há de se dizer que até nos bares
Cheios de gente, cores e mais
Não encontro cor alguma
Só fantasmas ali, mas minha é a falta de paz
É a sanidade inteira que os vendo jaz

Num casamento esperado,
Regado a clássico e jazz
Olho para o caderno e ao meus pés
Ando e escrevo sobre os fantasmas que reencontro
Em tons da mesma grafite e me desmonto
Pois a morte chegou a eles sem eu nem desejar.

-R.C.