As montanhas são cobertas por árvores
E as plantas a base em seu chão
Cai sal na pia de mármore
Do tipo que esteve em sua formação
Sem misticismo só constatação
Tudo vem do Tao, para ele volta
A presença ausente e a ausência presente.
Algo que odeio e o quanto eu quero te odiar
Mas não consigo
Eu queria bater a porta, trancar, jogar a chave longe
Meter móveis na frente
Tudo pra não ver nada que toque tu
Rupi Kaur acertou na mosca:
O ar não tem uso,
A luz não é bem vinda,
A água sujismunda.
Mas não consigo.
Se fosse eu no teu lugar, não me perdoaria.
Estar a sós é um exercício
Quando começa, parece tão difícil,
Mas necessário, instigado e executado
Como tivesse endorfina, dá prazer sem estrago
Porém pode doer sem querer, quem sabe
Pra ser sincero, nunca se sabe
Às vezes acordo sem vontade e estar comigo é punição
Em outros tenho certeza que só preciso de atenção
E até quando o dia é pesado, aumentando tensão
Pode ser que eu resolva no diálogo
Ou solilóquio de papel na mão.
Não sempre cabe ficar sozinho, por isso é uma arte
A oscilação do desejo também faz parte.
Não vejo aura,
Mas se tenho
Deve ser cor roxa violenta
Eu perdi a minha alma
o meu desempenho
A morte chega lenta.
Chegou a hora
Eu tenho de deixar de lado
Aquilo que me serviu,
Mas me limita.
Jogo pro passado
Isto que curou,
Sem mais restrições,
Sem mais precauções
Que seja o que for.
I have written, in the course of my life, more poems declaring my death than I can count- and I thought it would be a thousand other ways- but if there’s something for which I did not get ready, that is a eulogy for myself. Funny right? Last thing I would think of writing about. But here am I. In some way, I feel like Bras Cubas, from Machado de Assis’ novel, that wrote ‘to the worm who first gnawed on the cold flesh of my corpse, I dedicate with fond remembrance these Posthumous Memoirs’.
I died having a delirium. Can you believe it? Is there any more stupid way to leave? I don’t actually know. What I do know, though, is that I did not see it coming. I mean, as I told you, I always wondered about how I would die, and I kept fantasizing about that very last moment; would I die in my sleep? Would it be in an accident? What kind? Car, airplane, train? Would I be killed? Would I kill myself? I don’t know. I guess, after years desiring for a remarkable death, a final event to eternalize myself in history, the Universe made a fun prank: I’m doomed to be in this after life remembering of everything, except this last moment.
Don’t get me wrong, please. It’s not like I had a miserable life and wanted to be relieved from all the suffering in it- no, I had, such as pretty much everyone around here, a normal meaningless life. For sure, I had moments of sadness, but after, moments of happiness. I tried to change things, and they didn’t. Some others did. I had many lovers through the years and also many heartbreaks. I had the gift of art, but I never wrote something that I thought was worth showing to someone. I was a socialist that never saw equality, I lived an average life without knowing what to do. Now, I don’t know why those moments happened the way they did, whatever happened.
I remember that I was in my room, it was Saturday, and I started seeing things. Nothing very exciting, to be honest, but I’ll tell you anyhow. I saw a woman, beside my bed. She was holding a book or something similar, looking at my pillow like there was someone else there. Her lips moved, but didn’t reproduce any sound, and it seemed like she was trying to turn one of the last pages. I went there to help her with it, and, when I tried to reach her, boom. End. After that, I wonder what happened.
I mean, that doesn’t make any sense at all. First because I lived alone, and therefore I was all alone in the house. Second because I had really good audition, even though I was epileptic, I had to take medicine for anxiety, and some other disfunctions and therefore I would listen if there was sound. Third and last, because it had been years since I had illusions, and nothing changed in the last month, week or anything that could cause that. It was simply… weird. That’s why I ask again, why? Why in that moment, why that way?
Perhaps it was a punishment. After so many years playing with such tragic ideas, having pessimism as a personal philosophy, playing god in literature, I would die in the most stupid way. Maybe not. If I really push myself to think about it, there are worst ways to leave. I could have slipped in a banana or been runned over by a bunch of clown cars.
Maybe it was only a consequence. It’s not like I was very aware when making decisions- I was always going from bar to bar, having whiskey as my best friend; I used all drugs you can imagine for no specific reason- once, I took lsd to went to work, simply because I wanted to see the colors in the clothes we sold in a brighter way. Perhaps after putting so many substances in my body, it broke.
Anyhow, it’s still funny to me. Funny how I spent so much time thinking about how I would die, and how nothing that’s passing through my head helps me remember that god damn moment. [touches head with anger]. Ouch. Wait a moment… there is something missing there. Why does my head hurt? Shit! I know! I remember what happened! Ok, that just got dumber, but that happens.
So, I was in my room, and I saw that woman, and I reached her. When I did, there was some sort of light going into my room, and it flicked a couple times… the friction somehow made me have a convulsion, then I fell on the floor and my head hit the corner of my bed. Dammit, that’s so… random. I guess… If I had no specific reason to come to earth, there’s no reason for leaving it. There isn’t anyone out there to answer my question, nor comfort my soul. And that’s fine.
Opa, tudo bom?
Venho por esta explicar o porquê de nas últimas semanas estarmos sem textos novos aqui no Literatura de Metrô.
Seria mentira dizer que é 100% por foco em projetos exteriores, pois os estudos e (relativamente recente) ingresso no mercado de trabalho estão cobrando bastante tempo. Mas também é mentira falar que isso é só.
Nesse último ano o Admin trabalhou em montar um livro de poesia, e em Fevereiro-Março foi a etapa final de edição/impressão da obra, “EU- Extended Unplayables”. Com o fechamento desse ciclo e férias dos estudos, o blog deve voltar com a rotina de um texto por semana.
Sobre o livro, peço para que os interessados me mandem uma mensagem demonstrando interesse, seja por aqui, seja pela nossa página no Facebook ou pelo nosso Instagram. São 50 páginas que variam entre poesia e prosa, por R$ 25.
Agradeço pela compreensão.